Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Confessions of a closet needy little kid

So I'll preface this with saying that emotions are a complicated issue, and as a nerdy kid I have just barely the littlest understanding or awareness of my own emotional workings. Plus I'm a guy, so I'm naturally just an idiot in that respect.

No one likes to admit their insecurities. That's why they're insecurities. They make us feel not secure, weak, alone, etc. Well, I'm owning up to it tonight. I'm pretty stinking insecure feeling sometimes.

Sometimes my insecurity gets the best of me, and I get pretty angsty and insecure feeling about life. It's times like these that all that runs through my head are lines like 'too bad nice guys always finish last, 'cause I don't have the stomach for being a jerk,' and mixed metaphors, so I come up with something like, "if familiarity breeds contempt, and absence makes the heart grow fonder, where does that leave me?" I know, I know, it's silly perhaps, and I've already admitted it's needy and insecure.

It doesn't take much to set me off on a mood like this sometimes. I don't know what it is, usually. Maybe I've been spending too much time alone. Maybe I've been spending too much time not alone. Maybe I haven't eaten in a while. (wouldn't it be nice if I could blame needy feeling on low blood sugar. Then it wouldn't be insecurity!) Maybe I ate too much. Probably I've tried to find my fulfillment and completion from my relationships (and for that I offer up a big apology to those I do it to, 'cause that's a burden no one is supposed to bear).

Please don't misunderstand me. It's not like I feel depressed or anything. I feel pretty good actually. Just insecure.

The sick thing is I can sense it coming on. I know when it's happening, and my mind goes crazy trying to talk and reason myself out of feeling this way. I KNOW it's not reality. I KNOW I'm not un-wanted/-included/-worthy/-cared for/-unwelcome/-loved. I'm quite sure I'm not the only person to feel this way sometimes. Yet nothing I tell myself or think or reason can change the feeling when it comes on. Talk about annoying.

I inevitably cycle through thinking angsty thoughts, talking myself out of it, listening to some angsty music, talking myself out of it, trying to listen to music that will make me feel less angsty, that not working, trying to distract myself, that not working, trying to pray it out and rest in God, that helping but still FEELING angsty, and so on...

What's the solution? I'm sure it's complicated. I know it involves living in such a way that my need to be loved is filled by the one who created it. Aside from that, I'm not sure. 'Cause I feel too angsty right now to come up with more than that.

So I'll leave you with a line from one of the songs I'm listening to to try to make me feel less angsty (it's not working, but it's a great song): 'who am I? Just a kid who knows he's needy... ...Let me know that you hear me. Let me know your touch. Let me know that you love me. Let that be enough.'

But it's ok. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning. Always do.

ps: Incidentally, as I cycle through the things listed above, I hoped eating would let me chalk it up to low blood sugar and that by the time I finished writing this and eating, I wouldn't still feel it. It doesn't work. Just so ya know.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

More unstructured ramblings on life.

The following paragraph is pretty rough, more or less a stream of consciousness that I scribbled in my journal a while back. At the time I think I was frustrated with my living arrangement in my room at the dorm. I thought of it again now because I just moved to a new little apartment, and it reminded me of what's important in a place. Forgive the blatant disregard of the formalities of the English language, if you will.

I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that my enjoyment/contentment/happiness in a place is dependent of course on a number of factors, a major one of which is a history of relationship, love, shared life/memories there. That it is a place where I can remember times of shared life, love, laughter, relationship, of giving of life to each other. The places I can look back and say 'that's a place I loved to be, was comfortable at, at peace in, longed to be/go to,' are all places of shared life, love, etc. It's not the only factor of a place, of course, but with it, the absence of others, such as physical comfort, beauty, amenities, etc can not only be overlooked, but not even missed. And in its absence, a place lacking beauty, warmth (not just physically), ambiance, comfort, etc, pretty much just sucks, a lot of the time.

It's just one more confirmation of my sneaking suspicion that life, at it's core, is all about relationships, and the rest is just window dressing.

So I guess, for those of my friends who live here in Chiang Mai, this amounts to an invitation to come share life with me, and for those wonderful people who aren't in this place, to get your incredible, amazing, silly little selves over here to visit, or just to share life in what ways we can, from afar.

As usual, words (at least mine), aren't enough. So suffice to say:

I love you.

Love and Grace from Thailand.